For as long as I can remember I have been creative. It's funny the things that qualify you as creative, one of the ones that seemed to have solidified this status was when I made a complete mess of our living room tearing up paper and gluing it down in the pursuit of creating the perfect card for my mother. In high school I loved sculpture and had a teacher who delighted in my work and gave me free reign in his classroom. (Never underestimate the blessing of someone else's delight in you, it is after all a reflection of how the Lord sees you.) This teacher, though the rest of the school thought him a troublemaker, gave me a profound outlet. I enjoyed school, but it was hard for me. When I wasn't in school or at a youth group function I was doing homework or swimming. Where everything else was a challenge, inside this one sculpture classroom I was affirmed and set free to create at will.
After high school I went on to Anderson University where I enrolled as an art major. I was unsure going into this major and my stay there only grew my uncertainty. I was a creative right? So why didn't I fit? The art department at the university I attended required complete commitment. And while everyone else seemed to embrace this standard, I pushed against it, finally informing my professors that I loved art but from then on I was going to bed at mid-night and what wasn't done wasn't getting done. As rules were applied to guide my creativity my passion for it waned and I found myself instead thriving in other classes. Communications, social problems, astronomy were captivating my enthusiasm. At the end of my freshmen year I moved from an art major to a communications major, and was excited to do so.
The beginning of my sophomore year started on the run. I was an RA keeping up with 20 something freshmen and shouldering 18 credit hours. Half way through the fall semester the Lord started putting film on my heart. At first it was just an admission of a love for film. A love of the power and beauty of it. Then it was a thought of maybe going into film. Finally, it was a switch of major. And in a crazy turn of events I was a film production major at Webster University in Saint Louis.
I started in the fall and loved it, but I had one fear that loomed in the background. What if I fail? And I did. As some of my friends can attest to. Our first filming project was a 30 second short story. No audio, just footage. When it came time to view our films mine was 30 seconds of blank film. Black, under-exposed, blank film. As a class we watched all 30 seconds and when all was said and done I had faced my worst fear and found out that it was okay. Found out that I was okay. But for all of my appreciation of film I didn't have the passion that my fellow students did. They worked on films in their spare time. Wrote films in their spare time. Edited films in their spare time. If I didn't do it for a class I didn't do it at all. I admired their passion; wondered where mine was and thought maybe I had gotten something wrong along the way. In my junior year my advisor talked to me about doing film studies. After praying about it and looking into the benefits I thought it was the right thing to do so once again I made the switch. I was now a film studies major and would be graduating in a year.
The best way to put it is that film studies is the bookie side of film. I studied, read about, researched, analyzed, and identified the thematic elements of film. I wrote, presented, and argued the importance of film. And I loved it. I loved writing papers; and I loved the last paragraph where you find a clever catchy way to convince the reader that what they just read carries insight to their life and culture. And still I was missing something. When you are an accounting major you have a vision for what you are going to do after college. I had no idea. I loved what I did and studied but had no idea what to do with it. People asked if I wanted to go to L.A. and break into the film scene and internally I felt like "well, no not really." I believed that film had a great deal of value but when it came to what to do with it I felt misplaced.
One night when I was overwhelmed, crying, and scared my dad asked me if I had ever had a vision. He told me how in all the time I had been in school he had never heard me identify a vision for where I wanted to go, and he challenged me to pray for the Lord to show me a vision for where he wanted me. I started praying and the Lord started moving. I began with research about what people did with my major, and oddly enough (to my way of thinking) a "secret" passion of mine surfaced. Law school; many people with my degree go on to law school. If your thinking what I was your saying something like "Huh?". So I did some more research and found that though the content is very different the skills developed by film studies are the same as those needed to do well in law school. I felt the Lord's encouragement so strongly and all of a sudden things started clicking, and the glory of God shown through like rays of sun through the clouds. All my life I had seen myself as a creative, not with words and presentation, but with clay. And in his great mercy he found a way to equip me without overwhelming me. To ask me for small steps of obedience instead of a large one that I didn't have the courage or faith to sustain at the time. In his sovereignty he equipped me where I was comfortable, affirmed me there, and then challenged me to go where I'm not so comfortable.
I won't tell you all of the details but I am now studying for the LSAT (test to get into law school) and more excited than I can say! I'm working toward getting into law school for next fall and am going to specialize in human rights law.
I was reading in Acts this morning and was amazed by how much it characterizes the journey that the Lord has put me on. It got my attention how many times the Lord called a disciple to somewhere specific but didn't tell them why and the phrase that follows is "and he rose and went." Other times the Lord gives the details and the reason and the picture painted has the potential for glory and danger, and still what follows is "and he rose and went". And each time the result is the revelation of the glory of God. A eunuch declaring the name of Jesus in the desert. A persecutor of the church declaring the name of Jesus and confounding the Jews who knew him to be a former hater of that name. The glory of God shining through because of the obedience of those who trust him. And after these stories this is what is said, "So the church throughout all Judea and Galilee and Samaria had peace and was being built up. And walking in the fear of the Lord and in the comfort of the Holy Spirit, it multiplied" Acts 9:31. Let us be the same. Available to his call, observers of his glory, walking in the fear of the Lord and the comfort of the Holy Spirit. And as we do this may we see his kingdom multiply.
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