A Hug...or is Something Else Needed?

I love being nice. In fact it has been one of my trademarks. Sweet encouraging words and hugs to lift the soul are never far from my heart. Over the years I have gotten comments like, "You are the sweetest person I have ever known.", "You always know the right thing to say.", "Why are you so nice?" I hope that the Lord has used some of this "niceness" to draw others to him but I have recently realized that my niceness has been out of place. It has been offered out of a competing love for the Lord and the world that has left me with niceness. Why niceness? Because it allows me to extend love even when undeserved out of love for the Lord without costing me the worlds love. Niceness is an idol in my life. Jesus never offered a hug when something else was needed. Given that I am unaware of the word "hug" being used in the Bible let me reword it this way, Jesus never offered sweetness at the expense of truth. God said this through the prophet Jeremiah, "Behold, I will pluck them up from their land, and I will pluck up the house of Judah from among them. And after I have plucked them up, I will again have compassion on them, and I will bring them again each to his heritage and each to his land. And it shall come to pass, if they will diligently learn the ways of my people, to swear by my name, 'As the Lord lives,' even as they taught my people to swear by Baal, then they shall be built up in the midst of my people. But if any nation will not listen, then I will utterly pluck it up and destroy it, declares the Lord." Jesus has come but he is God and God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. God does not take sin lightly and he goes to great lengths to move us to repentance, but if as his people we are not speaking truth, and people remain ignorant of the coming destruction, then we are not only not loving we are in fact condemning them in the truest sense of the word. If in light of sin I adopt our cultures words and say "Its alright, everyone makes mistakes." Then I am prizing my comfort above their need for truth. God is love and his love is always extend but it is extended in life saving truth not in face saving pleasantries. Jesus came to save all people but it never looked the same. He appraised the situation and offered what was needed not what was wanted. For the adulterous women he saved her from stoning but told her "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more." (John 8:11). For the repentant Canaanite women who was rejected by the disciples but declared Jesus her master Jesus replied, "O woman, great is your faith! Be it done for you as you desire." (Matthew 15:28). To the rich young ruler who had dedicated himself to following the law Jesus said, "If you would be perfect, go sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." (Matthew 19:21). To the pharisees Jesus said, "Now you pharisees cleanse the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness. You fools! Did not he who made the outside make the inside also? But give as alms those things that are within, and behold, everything is clean for you." (Luke 11:39-41). And to the money-changers who defiled the temple Jesus "entered the temple and drove out all who sold and bought in the temple, and he overturned the tables of the money-changers and the seats of those who sold pigeons. He said to them, 'It is written, 'My house shall be called a house of prayer,' but you make it a den of robbers." (Matthew 21:12-13). Jesus' desire was for the salvation of these men and yet he did not have a "nice" response to their sin. For each of these people the purpose of his response was to lead them to repentance, to offer them life to the full, to offer them eternity with him. Yet, his responses were bold and required a response from the people they were addressed to. This is the type of love that Jesus spoke of. This is the type of love that he exemplified. And this is the type of love that we are called to. May the Lord forgive me for the times I have offered a hug when something else was needed, and may he give us the strength to speak the truth in love no matter the cost.

Freedom in the Fear of the Lord

I have been reading through Jeremiah and today was amazed at how much the Lord pleads Truth on our behalf. I know that context can illuminate scripture but the Lord has also been reminding me that his word is eternal and in being so it is as applicable today as it was when it was written. In Jeremiah 10 the Lord pleads with his people to acknowledge the emptiness of idols. Here is some of what he says:

"Do not fear them for they cannot do evil, neither is it in them to do good." V. 5

"They are both stupid and foolish; the instruction of idols is but wood!" V.8

"They are worthless, a work of delusion." V.15

As I read this I began to think about the cultural application for us and wondered what the Lord would put in place of wood and silver and gold. Our idols are made by a different kind of craftsmen but they fill our culture. They are made of steel with racing strips. They are towering homes of brick. They are seemingly infinite combinations of liquid anesthetic. They are pills that promise deliverance from our problems. They are other people eager for 5 minutes of fulfillment. They are boxes that promise hours of mental relaxation. They are anything that we are tempted to find our security in believing it to be more concrete than the promises and presence of the living God. Here is what he says about himself:

"But the Lord is the true God; he is the living God and the everlasting king! At his wrath the Earth quakes, and the nations cannot endure his indignation." V.10

"It is he who made the Earth by his power, who established the world by his wisdom, and by his understanding stretched out the heavens. When he utters his voice, there is a tumult of waters in the heavens, and he makes the mist rise from the ends of the Earth. He makes lightening for the rain, and he brings forth the wind from his storehouse!" V. 12-13

There is none like the Lord! There is much in this world that promises deliverance at the cost of our standards and leaves emptiness where the Lord desires fulfillment. There is much that promises security for the price of compromise and delivers desperation. But the Lord is in control of all things and though it may seem that our compromise escapes his attention scripture assures us that it does not. God is love and he is holy. I want to learn to live in awareness of both truths. In his great mercy as I learn to live by his word, the fulfillment of his presence in my life offers strength to turn down more idols that offer counterfeit security. The Lord's heart is only for our good! May we learn and understand the freedom and joy that comes from the fear of the Lord.

Psalm 37

Fret not yourselves because of evildoers;

be not envious of wrongdoers!

For they will soon fade like the grass

and wither like the green herb.

Trust in the Lord, and do good;

dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the Lord,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him, and he will act.

He will bring forth your righteousness

as the light,

and your justice as the noonday.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;

fret not yourself over the one who

prospers in his way,

over the man who carries out evil devices!

Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!

Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.

For the evildoers shall be cut off,

But those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.

In just a little while, the wicked will be no more;

though you look carefully at his place, he will not be there.

But the meek shall inherit the land and delight themselves in abundant peace!

When we are aware of darkness, even overwhelming darkness, this is what carries us! This is the truth that reminds us that in the Lord we can endure anything knowing that it is but a season. Fret not! Trust in the Lord! Delight in the Lord! In just a little while, the wicked will be no more! And on the heels of this, if we truly believe it, regardless of what reality we currently face, there is nothing to do but give thanks. Give thanks to a God that is faithful and good and gracious and holy! A God who did not stoop to accommodating our ugliness but rather made a way for us to be welcomed into his holiness! A God that through his son, chose to make us his beloved!

26 and 26 things i'm thankful for

I am 26 today! I'm sure that my parents feel this way more than I can imagine, but my how time flies! What fills my heart is that I am entering my 26th year acutely aware of unmerited blessing in my life. Gifts from the loving Father and Savior who chose to be my Beloved and to make me his beloved; I will spend my life thankful for the privilege!

Here are 26 things I am thankful for:
1. A redeemed family that fills the walls of this simple house with love, laughter, and memories.
2. Parents who are leaving a legacy of love, forgiveness, repentance, and pursuit of the most high God.
3. The privilege of brothers! I am forever thankful for you guys Ryan, Michael, and Jon. You all have brought great joy and comfort to my life.
4. Brothers of a different kind. My brothers in Christ have blessed me and faithfully shown me what godly men look like, not what perfect men look like, but what men whose hearts belong to the Lord look like.
5. Sisters in Christ. I am privileged to have women in my life who pursue the Lord and pursue me in friendship. They challenge me, and uplift me, and I am better because of them.
6. Family that loves and delights in me and goes out of their way to be sure I know it.
7. Situations in my life that are opportunities to see the glory of God as He works to redeem messes I have made and ones that I experience because of this broken world.
8a. A sister-in-law that pursues me in friendship rather than competition. Dana you are a treasure.
8b. My three nieces: Anna, Naomi, and Abby.
9. Dreams.
10. Trust.
11. Hope.
12. Goodness.
13. Faith.
14. People. In all of our brokenness, though we don't deserve such a glorious place in creation, people are what the Lord chose to bestow his image on and it is through people that I see the Lord.
15. Music, sound, expression. The Lord did not have to make us beings of such rich expression but I am so thankful that he did.
16. Trials. They are the playground of an all-powerful God who promises to use all things for the good of those who love him! (Remind me of this if ever I seem to be forgetting:)
17. The unknown. Nothing has brought me closer to the Lord then the season of unknown that I am coming out of, where each day is an opportunity to find contentment in the consistency of his presence and his character.
18. My Grandma, who covers me in prayer and loves nothing better then to spend time with those she loves.
19. Shiloh, my dog.
20. My new room. :)
21. God as my provider. Who could do this better than the author and owner of the heavens and the Earth? (Again, if ever I seem to be forgetting this a reminder is welcome).
22. The gift of the Holy Spirit.
23. Stillness.
24. The breath-taking nature that surrounds us with evidence of a good, loving, and merciful God!
25. Silliness.
26. The above ones are not necessarily in order but this one is purposefully 26th because it has taken all of my 26 years to discover new depths of the grace of God and the gift of Jesus Christ. I pray that each additional year I am granted is marked by further understanding of His depths!

Thanks be to the God and Father of all things! Thanks be to the the Savior Jesus Christ who came and died that we might live and have life to the fullest! Thanks be to Him for every day that we are offered the opportunity to live for him!

His Victory Over Me

Self-righteousness is a struggle for me. An interview goes well or someone goes out of their way to bless me and I immediately have to resist thoughts that betray a belief that these things happen because I deserve them, rather than the truth that our God in his goodness bestows favor where it is not deserved. This is not a denial that work ethic is reflected in reviews. If you work hard, you will likely earn the favor of your boss, which will likely open additional opportunities either now or in the future; but have you ever considered the things in your life that have built your work ethic, character, compassion, inspiration etc? I am tempted daily to claim these things for myself but the reality is that I have not been the author of any of them. They are in my life through grace and by design. My work ethic is the result of a desperate battle with dyslexia that my loving Father determined to bless me with. In all the tears I cried as a child, never was I aware of how such a battle was shaping my character. All good things in me and my life are the result of one of three things: the work of the Holy Spirit, gifts from the Father, or circumstances determined by the Father. The days I live in awareness of this are covered in thankfulness and contentment. But there are days when I choose to live out of an opposite belief that I am deserving of such goodness. These days are characterized by an ugly battle between self-righteousness and insecurity. Those two things may seem an odd combination, but in my experience they are always together. Self-righteousness requires a belief in my own goodness which I know to be false. Consequently, I must fight to out perform myself. A fight that I know I cannot win. But, and praise be to the Lord that in Him there is always a "But", this is not a fight I have to engage. This is a fight where the only appropriate response is the white flag of surrender. Freedom here comes from acknowledgment of my sin and surrender to the only one who can defeat it. And He has defeated it. His victory stands even in the moments when my conviction fails. Even in the moments when my heart looses its footing and finds itself between feeling entitled and feeling ugly, unable, and unwanted. His victory reigns over me now and forever more!

The Lord is good! A stronghold in the day of trouble;

He knows those who take refuge in him.

Nahum 1:7

The Lord is Good, Let All the Earth Rejoice!

Until May of this year I was working as a Teacher's Assistant. When the school year ended I was offered a contract for the next school year but felt distinctly that the Lord did not want me to sign it. Though I had prayed about it and felt confident of what the Lord wanted, I struggled to follow through with resigning. I had talked to my supervisor about the possibility and she had recommended that I not resign until the end of summer so that I would have insurance coverage as long as possible. This made practical sense, but I knew that this practical route was not the same as following the Lord in faith believing that He would take care of me. I shared with the Lord that I would feel better able to resign if I knew that I had insurance coverage some how. Within that week my parents insurance called us to let us know that if desired, they would extended my insurance coverage until my 26th birthday in November. At that, I knew that the Lord had answered and I submitted a letter of resignation to my supervisor. In the months since then I have been looking for a job. Some weeks more faithfully than others. I have submitted resume after resume, done interview after interview, and requested application after application all to no avail. But recently my uncle called me to inform me that the Lowes in our area was hiring. I went online and filled out the application. Within a couple of days I was contacted for an interview and as of Friday morning I am a Lowes employee! What's more amazing is that though I hold a part-time position, Lowes offers all staff a full benefits package. Which means that The Lord perfectly arranged things so that when my parents insurance runs out on November 14th my Lowes insurance will kick in. That is more than enough to draw my eyes heavenward in gratitude, but in addition Lowes offers tuition reimbursement and the option of transferring between store locations both of which are particularly important to me given that I am in the middle of applying to law school. In all the time that I have been looking for a job never could I have arranged these details or foreseen their possibility. Only the all-knowing, all-powerful, amazing God of love that we serve is capable of such mercies. He is trustworthy and greatly to be praised!

Self Preservation to Brave Determination

"We are called to move from self preservation to brave determination"

Beth Moore

I am not one who watches a lot of TV. In fact, for the most part I don't even have access to a TV, a characteristic of my life that I enjoy when I am surrounded by people. But recently the Lord has provided me with some house sitting jobs as a means of income, these homes usually come with two things: TVs and a lot of alone time. Sometimes the issue is about using good judgement as to what I am watching, but more often for me the challenge is to turn it off at all. The presence of a TV becomes an instant defense against aloneness. Self preservation kicks in and entertainment becomes my distracting companion. Ironically, this companion chosen to distract me from being alone, draws me into greater alonenss as I find myself ignoring calls from friends and offers of outings. I find myself up late, out of bed late, tired, and generally unproductive. It occurred to me as I thought about this this morning that this is the result of so many of our efforts at self preservation. Self preservation arises in us when we feel threatened, fearful, insecure, or vulnerable and give into those feelings. In this world the ability to survive at the expense of hardened hearts is celebrated. But the Lord calls us to something more powerful and freeing and frightening than that. He calls us to admit those feelings and rest in his love. He does not leave us without armor, but nor does He lie to us and tell us that the source of that armor is internal strength. In fact, He says just the opposite. He says, "Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest." He says, "In my strength your weakness is made perfect." He says, "Come to me and you shall walk and not grow weary." And He says, "Do not fear! For I am with you!" Aloneness? There is no such thing for a daughter or son of the most high God. But strength comes only from him; all other types of strength are counterfeit and leave us empty and hard hearted. We must turn to him instead of our methods of self preservation with our weakness. We must take heart knowing that we are not alone! Knowing that we are loved. We have so many entertaining diversions available to us to drown out our fears, but if we take them up on their offer we will never be free. If however, we turn to our faithful Father then we are free indeed! So I pray for you and for me, that we move from self preservation to brave determination in the Lord.

It Never Crossed His Mind!

"...to burn their sons and daughters in the fire, which I did not command, nor did it come into my mind." Jeremiah 7:31

I have been reading in Jeremiah, and when I first read this verse it seemed odd but important so I read it again. In context, the Lord is reflecting on the ways in which his people have turned from him. He talks about how they have built high places to other gods and then this verse appears where he describes what they have done at these high places: they have sacrificed their own children. I think for most of us this is an unthinkable act, but as I reflected on this verse something shocking gripped me. The Lord tells his people that He never commanded them to sacrifice their children, nor did it ever cross his mind to ask this of them! The amazing truth hidden in this verse is that He never thought to ask this of them because from the beginning of time He had determined to sacrifice his son instead. They were not wrong to believe that a sacrifice was necessary, but they were wrong to believe that they could purchase their atonement through the blood of their sons and daughters. This atonement could only come from one place and it was from the sacrifice of the perfect son of God. This means that from the moment we sinned, God in his great love for us, had determined to sacrifice his son in our place. It never crossed his mind to require us to pay the appropriate price for our sin! Unlike any other god, He had the right to demand the lives of not only our sons and daughters but ours as well. Instead, He knew from the beginning of time that our creation would require the life of his son and still He created us and chose to bestow his love on us. This truth humbles me as I consider how many times I have begun my day choosing to believe the lie that I am not valuable; or the number of times in my life that I have questioned God's good intentions toward me. If ever you find yourself believing this, remember that the Lord chose to create you knowing the cost to himself and his beloved son. Never did it cross his mind to leave you to your sin or its appropriate punishment. Rather, from the beginning he ordered all of history for the benefit of your atonement. For the benefit of his reunion with his precious children!

To Save a Life

Last night I watched a movie called To Save a Life. The movie is well done and addresses a lot of things, but the one that stands out is judgment. It displays various sides of this issue all of which stem from the judgment that another person is not worthy. The most evident example is given through the social shunning of a high school kid who has a limp. No one knew how much pain he was in, not because it wasn't evident, but because they had judged him unworthy long before sympathy had a chance to cross their minds. It is tempting for me to think that I have done well in this area. The Lord's work in my life and placement of me in other's lives has drawn me close to people with disabilities and unpopular people, and I have been tremendously blessed by them. Still yet, I can't help but think that there are those that I have missed in my business. The movie shows another kind of judgment though, one I know that I am guilty of. The judgment of popular people. In high school they are literally the popular kids. In college they may be the athletes or the charmers. After college they may be the ones with good jobs that seem to have it made. Often, they are the "beautiful people" regardless of the stage of life. I must confess that these are the people that I am most guilty of judging. I have watched them more times than I can count, and though the words have never left my mouth, things like fake, idiot, hotshot, liars have all crossed my mind. I have looked at them and judged their character long before I looked in their eyes. I have envied them without even considering their pain. I have written them off as "one of those" on first sight. For this, I confess that I have been wrong and I ask forgiveness. Our Lord never judged anyone based on appearances, he looks at the heart, and with his presence in us we have the opportunity to do the same. May we be like him and judge all who we come in contact with to be worthy based on his love for them.

"...For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance,

but the Lord looks on the heart."

1 Samuel 16:7

Overexposed

Digital has taken over most of the world of photography at this point, but in the not so distant future, photography used to begin with light sensitive paper or film. This was loaded into the camera and then the photographer with great care, based on their intent and the surrounding circumstances, would decide on the shutter speed and set the ISO. The shutter speed is of utmost importance because the length of time that the shutter is open is the amount of time that the film will be exposed to light. Without any exposure to light the film remains dark and registers no part of an image. As light is added, slowly details are burnt into the film and appear, almost like magic, as the film is developed. The more light is added to the film, the more detail is captured, but this is only true to a point. If the film is overexposed to light, you begin to loose detail again. This time though you don't loose detail in the darkness of the film, you loose the detail to the purest of whites. At first, an overexposed image may maintain details in some areas but not in others. If another shot is taken, and more light is let in, eventually the only visible subject of the photograph is light, because no detail of the image will withstand the exposure to the light. In this world, I hope to be like that overexposed picture, where no detail of me survives the light of the Lord Jesus. Jesus is the light of the world, and as he draws near to us we are exposed and purified until we are like him and mimic his effect in this world. Acts 13: 47 says, "For so the Lord has commanded us saying, 'I have made you a light for the gentiles, that you may bring salvation to the ends of the earth." Our mission as followers of Jesus is to be light in darkness just as he was when on this earth. There is more to this though, and it is that while in this world we are the light of Jesus, in heaven Jesus is our light. There is an amazing heavenly reality that when we go before our holy heavenly Father, Jesus is our light. He enters into us and purifies us from the inside out. First, exposing every sin, and then cleansing us of it until there is no detail left to be seen but him in us. Because of Jesus in us it is our reality before the Father that we are blameless! Colossians 1:21-23 says, "And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, if indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you heard." May we remain steadfast in our Lord, and rejoice in the hope of our salvation which frees us from blame; and may we be the light of Jesus in this world. May we be overexposed.

Why fight?

Recently I faced a situation where I was tempted to walk away but was called to address the dishonesty of the situation first. I have often struggled with facing these situations and in the past have not understood what the point of doing so is. Getting what I deserve has never been enough to motivate me to face an intimidating person or situation. And often my love of being loved by people has kept me quiet in conflicting situations. In this latest situation, as I sought the Lord and listened to the input of those around me, I began to ask what I was supposed to be learning. As I prayed the Lord showed me that this issue is one that has deterred me from pursuing law for a long time. Not just the issue of facing intimidating people but the bigger issue of understanding why it is important to do so. In other words, why is fighting injustice in a broken world worth doing? This is the answer the Lord is teaching me. Every situation presents us with an opportunity to stand for what honors the Lord. To choose to do so has two valuable results: it commits me to uphold what is right and it offers others an opportunity to repent and do what is right. Revelation 2:5 says "Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent." Often we see sin but we don't call it that because we assume that it has always been that way; in our hearts we harbor skepticism that removes our responsibility to speak up. But when we do as this verse commands and we "remember where we have fallen from" we are reminded of whose we are, who we were intended to be, and who we could be again if we turn from our ways. There is hope in repentance and freedom in the acknowledgment of our sin. When we stand and fight for what is right we refuse to comply with, and resign to, the reality of sin in our world. We choose hope in the grace that covers our sin, and to hope on behalf of those who have not yet received that grace. This decision to engage in the fight relates to all areas of life, and when faced with the utter brokenness of our world, our lives, our relationships, and ourselves there may be times when we find ourselves asking "What is it that we are fighting for?". I tend to favor Sam Wise's answer from Lord of the Rings "that there's some good left in this world and its worth fighting for." Our feeling when we look at the world around us may be that the good is being crowded out, but the reality based on the scriptures is that that is not so. God's goodness will not be defeated by wickedness. The battle is won, but the fact that there is a battle means that we must fight for those around us just as the Lord left his throne in heaven to fight for us. And our continual strength is the words of our Lord "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart for I have overcome the world!"

Journey to a Vision

For as long as I can remember I have been creative. It's funny the things that qualify you as creative, one of the ones that seemed to have solidified this status was when I made a complete mess of our living room tearing up paper and gluing it down in the pursuit of creating the perfect card for my mother. In high school I loved sculpture and had a teacher who delighted in my work and gave me free reign in his classroom. (Never underestimate the blessing of someone else's delight in you, it is after all a reflection of how the Lord sees you.) This teacher, though the rest of the school thought him a troublemaker, gave me a profound outlet. I enjoyed school, but it was hard for me. When I wasn't in school or at a youth group function I was doing homework or swimming. Where everything else was a challenge, inside this one sculpture classroom I was affirmed and set free to create at will.



After high school I went on to Anderson University where I enrolled as an art major. I was unsure going into this major and my stay there only grew my uncertainty. I was a creative right? So why didn't I fit? The art department at the university I attended required complete commitment. And while everyone else seemed to embrace this standard, I pushed against it, finally informing my professors that I loved art but from then on I was going to bed at mid-night and what wasn't done wasn't getting done. As rules were applied to guide my creativity my passion for it waned and I found myself instead thriving in other classes. Communications, social problems, astronomy were captivating my enthusiasm. At the end of my freshmen year I moved from an art major to a communications major, and was excited to do so.



The beginning of my sophomore year started on the run. I was an RA keeping up with 20 something freshmen and shouldering 18 credit hours. Half way through the fall semester the Lord started putting film on my heart. At first it was just an admission of a love for film. A love of the power and beauty of it. Then it was a thought of maybe going into film. Finally, it was a switch of major. And in a crazy turn of events I was a film production major at Webster University in Saint Louis.



I started in the fall and loved it, but I had one fear that loomed in the background. What if I fail? And I did. As some of my friends can attest to. Our first filming project was a 30 second short story. No audio, just footage. When it came time to view our films mine was 30 seconds of blank film. Black, under-exposed, blank film. As a class we watched all 30 seconds and when all was said and done I had faced my worst fear and found out that it was okay. Found out that I was okay. But for all of my appreciation of film I didn't have the passion that my fellow students did. They worked on films in their spare time. Wrote films in their spare time. Edited films in their spare time. If I didn't do it for a class I didn't do it at all. I admired their passion; wondered where mine was and thought maybe I had gotten something wrong along the way. In my junior year my advisor talked to me about doing film studies. After praying about it and looking into the benefits I thought it was the right thing to do so once again I made the switch. I was now a film studies major and would be graduating in a year.



The best way to put it is that film studies is the bookie side of film. I studied, read about, researched, analyzed, and identified the thematic elements of film. I wrote, presented, and argued the importance of film. And I loved it. I loved writing papers; and I loved the last paragraph where you find a clever catchy way to convince the reader that what they just read carries insight to their life and culture. And still I was missing something. When you are an accounting major you have a vision for what you are going to do after college. I had no idea. I loved what I did and studied but had no idea what to do with it. People asked if I wanted to go to L.A. and break into the film scene and internally I felt like "well, no not really." I believed that film had a great deal of value but when it came to what to do with it I felt misplaced.



One night when I was overwhelmed, crying, and scared my dad asked me if I had ever had a vision. He told me how in all the time I had been in school he had never heard me identify a vision for where I wanted to go, and he challenged me to pray for the Lord to show me a vision for where he wanted me. I started praying and the Lord started moving. I began with research about what people did with my major, and oddly enough (to my way of thinking) a "secret" passion of mine surfaced. Law school; many people with my degree go on to law school. If your thinking what I was your saying something like "Huh?". So I did some more research and found that though the content is very different the skills developed by film studies are the same as those needed to do well in law school. I felt the Lord's encouragement so strongly and all of a sudden things started clicking, and the glory of God shown through like rays of sun through the clouds. All my life I had seen myself as a creative, not with words and presentation, but with clay. And in his great mercy he found a way to equip me without overwhelming me. To ask me for small steps of obedience instead of a large one that I didn't have the courage or faith to sustain at the time. In his sovereignty he equipped me where I was comfortable, affirmed me there, and then challenged me to go where I'm not so comfortable.



I won't tell you all of the details but I am now studying for the LSAT (test to get into law school) and more excited than I can say! I'm working toward getting into law school for next fall and am going to specialize in human rights law.



I was reading in Acts this morning and was amazed by how much it characterizes the journey that the Lord has put me on. It got my attention how many times the Lord called a disciple to somewhere specific but didn't tell them why and the phrase that follows is "and he rose and went." Other times the Lord gives the details and the reason and the picture painted has the potential for glory and danger, and still what follows is "and he rose and went". And each time the result is the revelation of the glory of God. A eunuch declaring the name of Jesus in the desert. A persecutor of the church declaring the name of Jesus and confounding the Jews who knew him to be a former hater of that name. The glory of God shining through because of the obedience of those who trust him. And after these stories this is what is said, "So the church throughout all Judea and Galilee and Samaria had peace and was being built up. And walking in the fear of the Lord and in the comfort of the Holy Spirit, it multiplied" Acts 9:31. Let us be the same. Available to his call, observers of his glory, walking in the fear of the Lord and the comfort of the Holy Spirit. And as we do this may we see his kingdom multiply.

The last year of my life has been characterized by one word; trust. Not of people or concrete things that I can see and touch, but trust in the Lord. It has been full of questions and answers, though not ones that cleared the fog. Where to I go Lord? Wait for me. How long do I wait Lord? Until I tell you otherwise, I am with you. What do I do now Lord? I have a plan for your good, wait for me. I feel desperate Lord. Help me. I am with you and I will never leave you. I am here Lord, but how can I afford to stay in this place? I am with you, do you trust me? At some point the question comes to me, "Do you trust me?".

There was a time in my life when I would have answered this question "yes" and then promptly returned to worrying and making plans and patchwork of my life. But now I know what that question means; it means "do you believe that I am who I say I am?" The Lord says that he is faithful, he is good, he is secure, he is eternal, he is sovereign, he is all that I need, all that I don't have, he is the source of my dreams, he is the flame of my desire, he is the designer of my future, and the holder of my heart. So when he asks me if I trust him; if I believe in his character, he is asking if I believe these things. And not in theory but in reality where they touch my life and my heart and they change the way I do and see things.

Over the last year the Lord has taught me to answer this question truthfully. At first this meant facing that I didn't actually believe these things. At first this meant hanging my head and saying "No, I don't. Father forgive me." It meant praying the prayer of the sinner in the sanctuary so long ago, "I believe, help my unbelief." And as He always does when offered an open heart He has changed my reality. In his great mercy He has asked me to follow without explanation. He has taught me to hear his voice and to listen. He has made me sensitive to his touch. He has challenged my heart and taught it true bravery. He has revealed and led me by his presence. I wish that this meant that every day I live out these things, but it means something far more humble than that. It means that I am learning to seek out his presence every day and in his strength try to abide there. Nothing glamorous just the simple knowledge that his presence is my lifeline. His character fills my lack of it.

In this I have learned that though the questions arise based on my circumstances, his presence does not vary based on my circumstances. I may not have a job, a penny to my name, or a job on the horizon. I may have dreams that I don't know how to make realities. I may have hopes of being responsible and history of failure. I may be called to love where I do not know how to. I may be called to hope where there is none. I may be led to stay when it seems impossible to do so. But the reality is that in all of these circumstances God's presence is true...it is trust-WORTHY. Mr. Chambers put it this way, "having the reality of God's presence is not dependent on our being in a particular circumstance or place, but is only dependent on our determination to keep the Lord before us continually. Our problems arise when we refuse to place our trust in the reality of his presence. This experience the psalmist speaks of- 'We will not fear, even though..." (Psalm 46:2)- will be ours once we are grounded on the truth of the reality of God's presence, not just a simple awareness of it, but an understanding of the reality of it."

So I pray for you an understanding of the presence of God that changes your reality and continues to change mine.