The last year of my life has been characterized by one word; trust. Not of people or concrete things that I can see and touch, but trust in the Lord. It has been full of questions and answers, though not ones that cleared the fog. Where to I go Lord? Wait for me. How long do I wait Lord? Until I tell you otherwise, I am with you. What do I do now Lord? I have a plan for your good, wait for me. I feel desperate Lord. Help me. I am with you and I will never leave you. I am here Lord, but how can I afford to stay in this place? I am with you, do you trust me? At some point the question comes to me, "Do you trust me?".

There was a time in my life when I would have answered this question "yes" and then promptly returned to worrying and making plans and patchwork of my life. But now I know what that question means; it means "do you believe that I am who I say I am?" The Lord says that he is faithful, he is good, he is secure, he is eternal, he is sovereign, he is all that I need, all that I don't have, he is the source of my dreams, he is the flame of my desire, he is the designer of my future, and the holder of my heart. So when he asks me if I trust him; if I believe in his character, he is asking if I believe these things. And not in theory but in reality where they touch my life and my heart and they change the way I do and see things.

Over the last year the Lord has taught me to answer this question truthfully. At first this meant facing that I didn't actually believe these things. At first this meant hanging my head and saying "No, I don't. Father forgive me." It meant praying the prayer of the sinner in the sanctuary so long ago, "I believe, help my unbelief." And as He always does when offered an open heart He has changed my reality. In his great mercy He has asked me to follow without explanation. He has taught me to hear his voice and to listen. He has made me sensitive to his touch. He has challenged my heart and taught it true bravery. He has revealed and led me by his presence. I wish that this meant that every day I live out these things, but it means something far more humble than that. It means that I am learning to seek out his presence every day and in his strength try to abide there. Nothing glamorous just the simple knowledge that his presence is my lifeline. His character fills my lack of it.

In this I have learned that though the questions arise based on my circumstances, his presence does not vary based on my circumstances. I may not have a job, a penny to my name, or a job on the horizon. I may have dreams that I don't know how to make realities. I may have hopes of being responsible and history of failure. I may be called to love where I do not know how to. I may be called to hope where there is none. I may be led to stay when it seems impossible to do so. But the reality is that in all of these circumstances God's presence is true...it is trust-WORTHY. Mr. Chambers put it this way, "having the reality of God's presence is not dependent on our being in a particular circumstance or place, but is only dependent on our determination to keep the Lord before us continually. Our problems arise when we refuse to place our trust in the reality of his presence. This experience the psalmist speaks of- 'We will not fear, even though..." (Psalm 46:2)- will be ours once we are grounded on the truth of the reality of God's presence, not just a simple awareness of it, but an understanding of the reality of it."

So I pray for you an understanding of the presence of God that changes your reality and continues to change mine.